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A Real SuperCommittee

April 25, 2012

If you remember, about a year ago, a “supercommittee” was appointed to fix the fiscal problems of the Universe. I mean, America. Supposedly everything would be on the table: revenue increases; spending cuts; Just For Men, so President Obama doesn’t get self-conscious about his grey hair. The committee had been setup for success. Passage of any possible initiative only required a simple majority, 7-5, for a plan to be presented to the public. If they failed to come to an agreement, automatic spending cuts would go into effect in the coming years automatically.

They were backed as far into a corner as they possibly could have been by their colleagues, and true to political form of the times, they failed to reach an agreement. More than once on “Epic Rant Radio” I have discussed the need to end full-time political office for Congress. Hell, they already spend half they’re time raising money for reelection anyhow. Why don’t they just go ahead and let everyone know what they’re doing? That would be disclosure. For anyone unfamiliar with politics, disclosure is as bad a word to politicians, as taxes is to an ardent Republican.

With the intense concerns over the federal debt and budget deficit looming, I got to thinking yesterday, what if we actually drafted a Super Committee of Superheros. Instead of trimming 1.2 trillion dollars from the debt, they had free reign over the entire political and financial system.

Now, I’m calling them superheros, but not all of them will be traditional superheros. Yes, Tony Stark aka Ironman aka Robert Downey Jr. posing as Ironman will be on the Superhero Supercommittee. These eight people can come from all walks of life, past or present, dead or alive.

My number one pick: former Louisiana and Independent Presidential Candidate Buddy Roemer. He speaks about the one thing that must be addressed in politics before anything can be accomplished, which is campaign finance reform. His six point plan creates transparency where there hardly is any, and holds politicians accountable for the money they receive.

Pick number two: Batman. The Christian Bale Batman. Why batman? Why not batman? He super rich. He has tons of gadgets, and we need actual superheros for a superhero committee. All 5-6, 147 pounds of Buddy Roemer doesn’t exactly scream intimidation.

Pick number three: Ben Bernake. Mr. Bernake has done as well a job as federal reserve chairman as one could do under the circumstances he’s faced. Every time I see him testify to Congress, I get the feeling he wants to stand up in a fit of rage, tell Congress they’re giant flaming horse excrement, drop an F bomb barrage giving Mike Tyson a run for his money, and get carried out by security.

Pick number four: Tucker Carlson. Eventually Batman will get frustrated with day long meetings, and need to take out his aggression on someone. Assuming Tucker Carlson is the same jackwagon in person as he is on television, he shouldn’t have any trouble provoking Batman.

Pick number five: Professor X. When times get tough, we need a leader to pull everyone one together. Who better to do it, than the man that managed to coexist and lead Wolverine.

Pick number six: President Clinton. As the person who presided over one of the best economic time periods in our nation, I think he deserves entry to the committee, bad jokes about the fact their won’t be interns for the committee.

Pick number seven: Vince McMahon. One of the quickest and cheapest ways to reduce the deficit is throw all the meetings up on pay-per-view. Who better to do that than the man who puts on pay-per-view shows every month. He’s also the king of turning the pay-per-view special into a Wal-Mart DVD. That’s at least 10 million dollars right there. Also, when a group this diverse steps into a room, we need someone that can yell a trademark catchphrase to get everyone to stop shouting.

Pick number eight: David Brooks. He’s brilliant. He knows what’s wrong with the country. He’s a level-headed individual. I’d like to see how he reacts in a room with seven other combustible parts.

There’s my superhero supercommittee. Those eight guys, and of course Tony Stark, played by Robert Downey Jr.

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